At a barbeque the other day, a friend found time to bake up one of his (now) famous flourless chocolate cakes. I not a monstrous fan of anything pretending it's something it's not (i.e., a BMW X5 is not a real SUV, and Paris Hilton is not hot, despite adamant claims by both). Cake, by its very nature, is SUPPOSED to have flour in it. Yet, Erik's edible Frankenstein monster was, in the end, quite tasty and well received by the masses.
If only summer blockbusters were the same.
The concept of a scriptless film is old hat (the silent slapstick flicks, the Rooney/Garland "Let's put on a show" musicals, anything with Stallone), but you'd think with a $200 million budget somebody up in the wheel house might drop some jack on a real script? I know -- it's a stretch, considering when screenwriters are brought on to create said script for noted big budget flick, they are immediately handed the Cliff Notes on what needs to be included within those pages... by the marketing department!
a) Hero needs to say "Let's do this" at least five times.
b) Best friend of hero must be killed, but say "It's now or never" before getting offed.
c) Heroine must say "You'll never get away with this" to antagonist, while looking defiant.
d) If a child is involved, so must a family dog (preferably a golden retriever).
e) Main characters must say one or all of the following: "What is this place?", "This is crazy!", "Lock and load!", "Who would've thought it can ever be like this", and "It's either us, or them!"
f) 120 minute film = 60 minute script... post-production will fill in the rest.
g) At least ONCE in the film, hero must shoot two assault rifles simultaneously.
h) Rules for the taboo romance: either she has to be hero's best friend's girl, has to be commander's daughter, has to be part of enemy regime, or impossibly sexy brainiac scientist/computer geek opposed to the hero's dumb-as-a-toothpick warrior jock.
i) If a Michael Bay film, include the following: child on a bike holding American Flag, command center with the world's biggest flat screen monitor, lots of blank areas in the script he can write shit in.
There are other rules, but you get the picture (pardon the pun). I was perusing Amazon, and could find no manual on exactly HOW to write a feature film specifically for its trailer, but the inherent road to failure is clear: penning a script for a summer blockbuster isn't about writing a film... it's about creating marketing content.
A thought: Suppose I lived my day similar to the notes above. You know, treated it as if a marketing department were waiting with bated breath for the conclusion of my day so they may construct a trailer based upon it.
You know what? Maybe not a bad idea.
a) Wake up to helicopters and the sound of chaos.
b) While grabbing some coffee, make out with a hot girl I've never met.
c) Fist fight with her asshole boyfriend, wrecking the coffeeshop in the process.
c) Jail.
Ummmmmm........
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