CoCo Goes CuCu for Shocker Berry

Once again, leave it to the half-wits of late night TV for a compromising photo of the certifiably psycho Halle Berry.  And what's up, you ask, with the the dude's face to the right? Welp, if you know what a "shocker" is, you already know the answer.

It's what her right hand is flashing at the lens. It's not a gang sign, per se.

Unless you mean "gang bang".

.......*

Just Google it, dumbass.

Jay Leno's People and CRAP PHOTOGRAPHY

I like Craig Ferguson.... but could Leno's half-wits find a more inviting pic of him for the internets community to thrash?

Well, perhaps.... but for now ---

Selebritee Sooper Smart Pseudo Intellectual #1

I, personally and/or professionally have nothing against Olivia Wilde.

It's just that.... well, the pic was screaming like a banshee in heat "Caption me!!!!"

Credit Jay Leno's people for not realizing the potentially destructive power of a photo of an actor "acting" intelligent, pointing a decisive finger.... HOLDING NOTES!!!!

Yep.  If she didn't have a script, "People are starving in Africa" might instead be "People in Africa are on, like, such an awesome diet.... they're so slim!"

Just sayin'.

"How to Spot a...": Costume Designer

The Quantum Hyper Diet

I've DONE IT.  "It" has happened.

Finally, the perfect diet to offer up that "pants falling down, I'm wasting the f**k away" Calvin Klein look without the use of psychoactive recreational drugs.  Starvation is not required, nor is non-stop locomotion.  This diet is safe, from the youngest of toddlers to the eldest of wise men.  It's natural, pharmaceutical-free, and won't break the bank.

It is, sparing the modesty, the ULTIMATE diet to turn your Melissa McCarthy to Michelle Monaghan, or your Kevin Smith to Will Smith (because nobody knows who the $#@% Gregory Smith is).  And it's so easy, even the most dim-witted supermodel-in-wait can achieve near instant results without the use of her simpleton jock douche manwhore boyfriend to read her the instructions... one word at a time.

And the absolute, unequivocally best thing about this diet -- I'm making it up as I type this!

I have absolutely no friggin' idea what I'm going to write next.  But really, you'd think most fad diets are composed in this fashion.  Some dude or chick, sitting at their computer playing tiddlywinks with paper clips, suddenly awaken to the concept of a get-rich-quick diet package.  A powerhouse revelation that, no matter WHAT they write, if the name of the diet is catchy and sticky, then it SHALL NOT FAIL... to make money, that is!

Hence, the "Quantum Hyper Diet".

It sounds Star Trekkie, which means it's from the future.  Believe me -- these has-beens who fall for every new fad diet shoved before their gaping food shovels have already proved without doubt they'll believe anything you tell them.  It sounds completely scientific. Of course, the fadders are no Rhodes Scholars. But with the cable dominance of Discovery, The Science Channel,  TLC, and SyFy, the DO own a passing understanding of Quantum Physics (sort of), as well as the cold hard fact that science is always correct.

Then comes the cool website, with lots of lasers (?) and big numbers designed to stun the fadders into a state of post-concussion confusion.  Off to the right, is a big red button saying "Click This". Next to the big red button is a Kate Upton look-a-like (a.k.a., a pic of Kate Upton photo-manipulated to avoid copyright infringement).  Once they're into the next level, blind them with guilt that if they walk away (browse away?) now, they'll miss not not just an opportunity of a lifetime, but a 25% off deal that's only going to last another 4 minutes and change.

In the end, for a modest $175, you send them a container of Trader Joe's Very Green Dietary supplement (sans the label), as well as a xeroxed instruction manual that's in English and Sinhala (the official language of Sri Lanka).  Don't worry about proper translation. Simply let Google Translator do it for you... badly.  I mean, who do YOU know that speaks Sinhala (and "no" -- that Sikh 7-11 clerk more than likely speaks Punjabi... nice try ace).

15,000 sales and a net of $2.4 million later (sans $15 each for the supplement, copies, and standard postage), you're in that Ferrari 458. You're IN that million dollar home!  YOU'RE IN the cool clique, rolling hard.

By the way, all text above is ©Brandon Morino  All Rights Reserved!!!!  You may claim the diet as your own, for a modest fee of $500,000.  That's a $1.9 million less than what you're going to make!

Wow. How can you pass THAT up????

The B List A Hole

If you live in L.A., you've been a victim of it.  Laws should be scribed by men and women of vast intelligence to help curb the insufferable brutality of such an inhospitable end-product. The polar opposites of coddling and enabling must be employed whenever possible to fend off the notion that such an act is not only acceptable, but encouraged. Dogs and cats should join forces --  like the Afghans did against the Russians, or Canada Proper has done against Quebec -- to assist in the policing and ultimate prosecution of such offenders.  If you're an Angelino, the regulations will have arrived at too late a time. You may be already actively seeking some form of mental counsel to help with the pain brought forth by the encounter... and encounter you might not soon forget, though you desperately desire to.

It's not a crime, per se. But, in a sense, it very well should be.

It's the "B List A Hole", and he or she is coming to a cafe table, bus bench, or park path near you.

It's not lost on me that, in this day of age, if a struggling actor lands a small role on a sitcom, television drama, or indie flick, he or she has every right to be elated. With the economy the way it is, every dollar counts, and every role -- no matter how infinitesimal -- may ultimately spawn a major career.  They've reached a milestone, and sharing their prideful happiness with the rest of us is fine.

Just don't pretend you're anything more than what you are.

A role is a role, as a graphics or illustration job is just that... a job!  If I'm particularly proud of my work, I'll share some non-sensitive aspects of it with my friends.  But, I've NEVER cackled like a rooster at sunrise about how I'm the second-coming of Bill Watterson or David Carson or Ken Sugimori. I've never donned a black mock turtleneck and mock window-shopped for a BMW M3. I've got great months, good months, bad months, and shit months. I'm as humble as possible, for I know this is true -- there are going to be times when things aren't so hot, and somebody is going to waddle up next to me and spit out that timeless classic "So.... are you working hard or hardly working?".  They find it humorous, and it was -- in 1972!  Either be humble about your success, or risk shoving a dump truck full of humble pie down your gullet 6 months from then when life has taken a 180.

But Mr. and Ms. B List A Hole don't care. The switch to their spotlight is in the "on" position, burning a 10 million candlepower blast of blinding heat right in our face.  Where jeans and a tee were once acceptable, now they must dress for success, as well as the inevitable papparazzi.  The local coffee dive is now simple an "office".  Their Honda Civic has been upgraded to an Acura, which is just another way of saying they bought a Honda with leather and a Star Trek badge. You cannot hold a conversation with them for more than a minute without them hard-selling their amazing ride aboard the Tinseltown Express, and holding the story and subsequent derivatives of it long after the interest had passed.

You want to be happy for them -- you vividly remember their struggles -- but at the same instant you can't help but wonder exactly how much money they're making, and how much success they're achieving, playing a secondary character in a third-rate sitcom on a fourth-rate cable channel that only masochists dare watch. Yet, 849 other actors DID cattle-call this role, and departed with their proverbial tail between their legs. I suppose the old saying "flaunt it while you got it" applies.  

After all, who knows how much longer the Time Warner Cable 101 Leased Access channel will survive.

SUMMER FLICKS NIX SCRIPX 4 TIX & KIXS

At a barbeque the other day, a friend found time to bake up one of his (now) famous flourless chocolate cakes. I not a monstrous fan of anything pretending it's something it's not (i.e., a BMW X5 is not a real SUV, and Paris Hilton is not hot, despite adamant claims by both). Cake, by its very nature, is SUPPOSED to have flour in it.  Yet, Erik's edible Frankenstein monster was, in the end, quite tasty and well received by the masses.

If only summer blockbusters were the same.

The concept of a scriptless film is old hat (the silent slapstick flicks, the Rooney/Garland "Let's put on a show" musicals, anything with Stallone), but you'd think with a $200 million budget somebody up in the wheel house might drop some jack on a real script?  I know --  it's a stretch, considering when screenwriters are brought on to create said script for noted big budget flick, they are immediately handed the Cliff Notes on what needs to be included within those pages... by the marketing department!

a) Hero needs to say "Let's do this" at least five times.
b) Best friend of hero must be killed, but say "It's now or never" before getting offed.
c) Heroine must say "You'll never get away with this" to antagonist, while looking defiant.
d) If a child is involved, so must a family dog (preferably a golden retriever).
e) Main characters must say one or all of the following: "What is this place?",  "This is crazy!", "Lock and load!",  "Who would've thought it can ever be like this", and "It's either us, or them!"
f) 120 minute film = 60 minute script... post-production will fill in the rest.
g) At least ONCE in the film, hero must shoot two assault rifles simultaneously.
h) Rules for the taboo romance: either she has to be hero's best friend's girl, has to be commander's daughter, has to be part of enemy regime, or impossibly sexy brainiac scientist/computer geek opposed to the hero's dumb-as-a-toothpick warrior jock.
i) If a Michael Bay film, include the following: child on a bike holding American Flag, command center with the world's biggest flat screen monitor, lots of blank areas in the script he can write shit in.

There are other rules, but you get the picture (pardon the pun).  I was perusing Amazon, and could find no manual on exactly HOW to write a feature film specifically for its trailer, but the inherent road to failure is clear: penning a script for a summer blockbuster isn't about writing a film... it's about creating marketing content.

A thought: Suppose I lived my day similar to the notes above. You know, treated it as if a marketing department were waiting with bated breath for the conclusion of my day so they may construct a trailer based upon it.

You know what?  Maybe not a bad idea.

a) Wake up to helicopters and the sound of chaos.
b) While grabbing some coffee, make out with a hot girl I've never met.
c) Fist fight with her asshole boyfriend, wrecking the coffeeshop in the process.
c) Jail.

Ummmmmm........