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The Quantum Hyper Diet

I've DONE IT.  "It" has happened.

Finally, the perfect diet to offer up that "pants falling down, I'm wasting the f**k away" Calvin Klein look without the use of psychoactive recreational drugs.  Starvation is not required, nor is non-stop locomotion.  This diet is safe, from the youngest of toddlers to the eldest of wise men.  It's natural, pharmaceutical-free, and won't break the bank.

It is, sparing the modesty, the ULTIMATE diet to turn your Melissa McCarthy to Michelle Monaghan, or your Kevin Smith to Will Smith (because nobody knows who the $#@% Gregory Smith is).  And it's so easy, even the most dim-witted supermodel-in-wait can achieve near instant results without the use of her simpleton jock douche manwhore boyfriend to read her the instructions... one word at a time.

And the absolute, unequivocally best thing about this diet -- I'm making it up as I type this!

I have absolutely no friggin' idea what I'm going to write next.  But really, you'd think most fad diets are composed in this fashion.  Some dude or chick, sitting at their computer playing tiddlywinks with paper clips, suddenly awaken to the concept of a get-rich-quick diet package.  A powerhouse revelation that, no matter WHAT they write, if the name of the diet is catchy and sticky, then it SHALL NOT FAIL... to make money, that is!

Hence, the "Quantum Hyper Diet".

It sounds Star Trekkie, which means it's from the future.  Believe me -- these has-beens who fall for every new fad diet shoved before their gaping food shovels have already proved without doubt they'll believe anything you tell them.  It sounds completely scientific. Of course, the fadders are no Rhodes Scholars. But with the cable dominance of Discovery, The Science Channel,  TLC, and SyFy, the DO own a passing understanding of Quantum Physics (sort of), as well as the cold hard fact that science is always correct.

Then comes the cool website, with lots of lasers (?) and big numbers designed to stun the fadders into a state of post-concussion confusion.  Off to the right, is a big red button saying "Click This". Next to the big red button is a Kate Upton look-a-like (a.k.a., a pic of Kate Upton photo-manipulated to avoid copyright infringement).  Once they're into the next level, blind them with guilt that if they walk away (browse away?) now, they'll miss not not just an opportunity of a lifetime, but a 25% off deal that's only going to last another 4 minutes and change.

In the end, for a modest $175, you send them a container of Trader Joe's Very Green Dietary supplement (sans the label), as well as a xeroxed instruction manual that's in English and Sinhala (the official language of Sri Lanka).  Don't worry about proper translation. Simply let Google Translator do it for you... badly.  I mean, who do YOU know that speaks Sinhala (and "no" -- that Sikh 7-11 clerk more than likely speaks Punjabi... nice try ace).

15,000 sales and a net of $2.4 million later (sans $15 each for the supplement, copies, and standard postage), you're in that Ferrari 458. You're IN that million dollar home!  YOU'RE IN the cool clique, rolling hard.

By the way, all text above is ©Brandon Morino  All Rights Reserved!!!!  You may claim the diet as your own, for a modest fee of $500,000.  That's a $1.9 million less than what you're going to make!

Wow. How can you pass THAT up????