Just picture it: Man meets woman, he a character actor, she a production assistant. Man falls in love with woman. They get engaged over a weekend romp through the wineries of Monterey. They set a wedding date. All is right with the world. But, being a traditional wedding, the parents of the bride-to-be drop the weight of the proceedings upon their shoulders. Fine, thinks the man. After all, her side of the family is of moderate wealth, and more able to afford all the nuances of proper festivities. The mother, an interior designer, is a joy to work with. Her taste is impeccable. And the father?
A feature director who likens himself to the second-coming of Stanley Kubrick, who's every fifth word is "no" and every fiftieth word is "fired", and has a penchant for belittling actors for shits and giggles.
Uh oh.
He demands a folding chair with the title "wedding director" screened on to it. He conducts a casting call of area pastors, looking for the right "it" factor. He fires three lightning technicians before the fourth finds him the proper ratio of key to fill. He has the nerve to call his "pal" Stevie Speilberg -- he met him once as they crossed paths at Universal, which constitutes a permanent friendship, in his mind -- and offers 10% domestic profits and half of the european distribution rights to shoot his daughter's wedding. In a stroke of marketing genius, he sacks the groom's best man and groomsmen, replacing them with New Kids On The Block, looking for that opening weekend punch. He hires the entire UCLA School of Theater as wedding attendees to add an "emotional strength" to the event.
And finally, he re-titles the invites to read "Pirates of the Caribbean 6: Julie and Tom's Adventure on Marriage Island and brings in Hans Zimmer to perform an original score.
Of course, being of only moderate wealth, he attacked this event as if it were a feature film. In other words: Use other people's money. The problem is, those "other people" really thought is WAS a feature film. Once the truth is revealed, the money vanishes, the Mouse House comes after him for copyright infringement, and NKOTB management demands appearance compensation as well as revenue lost by canceling four concerts to be in the "film". His daughter, ruined, flees to a monastery and converts to Buddhism. Her parents hire a slick entertainment attorney and dump the debt upon the unsuspecting groom, who now must work four jobs and sustain his now-miserable existence via a diet of Taco Bell (the employee discount helps) and Cup o' Noodles.
Damn!!! See what happens when I watch a Swedish film doubleheader?
No comments:
Post a Comment